How to commit social suicide with your average British person
Fact: Uttering the following will make a British person less inclined to hold the door open for you.
- “ Yesterday while making tea, I decided to be a bit spontaneous and pour the milk in first…” (De facto pedophilic crime)
- “…With water I boiled in the microwave” (Cardiac Arrest)
- “The NHS is inherently rubbish and a stupid idea at that” (this one’s arguably the worst overall. It’s literally the only thing the vast majority of Brits agree on regardless of their own politics/ ancestral football allegiances )
- “My favorite hobby is practicing my shooting skills in nature reserves, I particularly like it when I strike a hit on the small pests like a robin, hedgehog or a squirrel…why don’t you guys allow for /actual/ guns?”
- “Look I know you lot try to escape from the truth sometimes but the reality is that: Churchill was a bast**d racist, The King is a workshy novelty and even though you put up a good ‘ole fight…the Falklands simply aren’t yours silly” (for best results say this to older people)
- “I’m not really a sock person so i’ll keep my shoes on when I come round ok?”
- “I don’t like: Sarcasm, Only Fools and Horses, the British plug socket or David Attenborough”
- “We saved you in WW2 woooo” (yes, Im referring to you lot)
- “Let’s do an improv sing and dance in public come on!” (nooo)
- “You should open up a bit more and share some interesting personal stories!” (noooooooooo)
- “Can you give me a lecture on Brexit?” (NO!)
- UK? Whereabouts in /England/ are you from — London? (Oh no…)
- “Don’t mind me imma just squeeze in the queue because I need to be somewhere” (C U Next Tuesday)
I could go on, but I’m sure you get the idea of how to make your typical British person dread your future presence.